December 2010

I posted this a while ago on Flickr, throwing it in here for record keeping.

That black strip on the bottom is the mirror forced to stay partly in frame because the focus screen sort of fell out. Made crunching sounds. Two nights prior I decided to attempt biking home while rather (and very surprisingly) drunk. I blacked out a few times, falling off my bike. Piecing forgotten memories together I gather that I walked home after about two blocks of unbalance. Camera most likely rattling in my bag by that point.

Last photo my DSLR took. Haven't touched digital since then.

I suppose this is rather fitting and on theme with my life. Film has taken a surprisingly larger role, I don't know why. I always thought I'd stick to digital and that would be that, no worries about physical mediums and mess.

With film I've slowed down, taking a photo a day is a rarities, let alone a few dozen to hundreds of pictures a day which is where I was at with digital. Taking my time to get shots that excite me with quality, instead of fire hosing my memory card in the hopes that whatever gamble I took, one of the images will turn out almost where I wanted it to be. It's time to perfect what I was doing with the current style of photography I was enjoying.

This slowing down, I felt, also reflected in my life. Slowing down to focus on the things that I cared about, that were close to my heart. Things that needed attention and caring, like myself, the people I loved, being creative and outgoing in what I built. Much in the same way someone says that they can now finally plop down and start a family, I felt I could now breath and look towards making things internal and external to me of a degree higher, giving more attention to entities that needed it. Cleaning ghosts out of my closet and mending those that are already there and present.

Over time I've become more obsessive with film. Bought a new (heavy) camera that I had no idea how to operate minutes before leaving for that silly place out there that's hot and dry. Acquired more and more odd film. Shot things I would never see again, shot a lot. Became annoyed with the level of quality scans provided by my favorite photo lab. Rolls and rolls of film, developed and not, waiting for me to find the time to not be so meticulous with other parts of my photography body, self. Some how slowing down for me was the exact opposite, I've shot less the second half of this year then I have before, yet here I am with a backlog of photos from forever ago and images I have only blinked at once waiting for me to rouse them up from beyond their emulsion.

Hand in hand my life became complicated with things. The thought of slowing down was a rather big joke. Allowing my job to slowly grip and pull my soul away from my personal self, a lust for money and a stable schedule. New and fresh projects came along, diverting my attention away from uncompleted ones (which still sit undone). Lovely new faces, and older ones, came into my life. I appreciated the comfort and company they provided while we exchange experiences.

Work, projects, new found love, all of these things came together, as they tend to within this community of crazy friends I have. All of these points of intensity slowly drew me away from someone I loved and once held close to me dearly. Drawing me away from the attention I told myself I would be giving to a relationship that needed it (always needed it). I lied to myself, saying things were fine and going well, fooling myself that another few days could pass and then I'd have time. The ones I loved, my friends, myself, all pushed away, ignored, and not bringing myself to be attentive to, all from lying to myself about slowing down on focuses with projects and work.

Time is such a funny metric. Free time exists in the future, but never in the now, never when it's needed. And don't me get started on the hopes and wishes of going into the past to mend things that should have never fallen to such depths. Undoable and unrecoverable.

And here I am, a broken camera in one hand, a shattered heart in the other. Both of my own doing.

Over the past two months my notion of love and pain have become completely altered. What I once thought as intense is nothing more then a drop in the bucket compared to all the emotions I've felt recently.

There was so much trust we shared that night. I love you and always will.