I’ve been struggling with the social world that is around me for the past few months. It’s been the source of much stress and so on. This weekend and today ended up being the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. The ways I interact with my friends and how they interact with me, I’m now finding, to be very unhealthy.
Our lives are all buzzing by faster then we ever could have imagined and only rarely do we want it to slow down. Is there a way around this? What steps can one take to still enjoy the thrill of leading an intense life without regretting later on that they left their friends in the dust?
Saturday eve, (drunkenly) stumbling up my stairs into my flat, I composed an outline of limitation I want to impose on myself that involve my social interactions with others. The goal here is to see if this style of functioning will make me (and my friends) feel better about their relations to each other, possibly make them be more fuller and present.
The simple items…
- Slowly quitting Twitter, going to only read/post from my Hiptop (i.e. when I’m mobile). Taking Twitterific off my machine and possibly blocking twitter.com on my laptop. Why? Because Twitter makes me too connected, I accept this sort of 140 character connection as being a replacement to something more. All and all, knowing about everything my friends do all the time, in very short and non desrcript ways is making me feel like I know them less.
- Start posting in my journal more. Lay out my thoughts, create a log of what I’m doing, using that to reflect on when figuring out what I want to do in the upcoming future. As I’ve told some very very close friends over dinner and through the air waves tonight, “Our lives are boats floating in a vast ocean, and journals are our sails that cary us through.”
- Take more photos. I might start a new 365 project, I don’t know, but it fucking needs to happen.
Rather harder rules…
- Actively push to hang out with my friends. Be weary of those who find it an annoyance when I push for a set time and date. Being friends means making time for those around you.
- Be present for my friends, give them my full attention, try to make a solid connection each time interaction happens. Seek these interactions out, they mean so much more then just simply running into someone.
- Social interactions are 3 friends max at any one point in time. Any more and I politely leave. Why? Parties are a garbage way of interacting with your friends. You cannot be present with them when you’re thrown into a barrel of alcohol, music and random people you may or may not find interesting. It’s getting to a point where some of my friends see these interactions as being a suitable fill in to actually hanging out one on one, eventually seeing parties as an easy way to hang out with others over setting time aside for one on one interactions. I.e. killing two birds with one stone doesn’t work here.
- Limit interaction and dialog over AIM. Simple but very oh so fucking hard.
If I even care about this list tomorrow is a rather big question. As many know, I’m very much a social bug. Regardless, I need to get ahold of my head before I actually do lose it. If you’re still reading this, please take note of the 5th bullet point. If I end up leaving because you show up, do not take is personally. Very much a “it’s me, not you” sort of deal.
Extremely lovely photo by Mooflyfoof.
18 Comments
interesting thoughts on quality vs quantity.
didn’t really expect this thoughtfulness from you.
i always felt that way about twitter…
i like parties… but am intensely aware that they can’t substitute for actual interfacing… in the world of care and feeding relationships… they are a light snack for several friends at a time… but a whole meal for none
consider also
relationships are evolving things… not static, also not bianary…
they need constant maintenance for depth and health…
but their are many different kinds of relationships… as their are many different kinds of people.
There are many things you shouldn’t expect from me.
Good luck.
I don’t know you very well, so I’m not sure whether this will apply for you, but I find that in some parties, it is possible to have smaller, more meaningful, and less alcohol-drenched interactions with friends. Usually when it happens, the party has subdivided into smaller groups of three or less. Anyway, although I mostly aim for the smaller interactions (I have 2-3 people over for dinner a lot, for example), and I never signed up for twitter in the first place because I felt it would be too much e-connection without the real connection… I do find that an occasional party has its place. Obviously. :-)
Thanks for the luck.
The undertones I’m trying to convey here is more like many of the people I know and interact with are keeping them selves busy with parties and group gatherings. I’ve had good interactions with folks at parties, but most of the time it’s not a guarantied thing.
Dearest Rubin,
We swing polarities sometimes, when something isn’t working out right. Do remember that it’s okay to come back towards the center when in search of something that works.
Love,
Gunn
And boy do we both swing.
Swingers!
As far as parties go, perhaps you can take them for what they are, and enjoy that kind of interaction rarely, and fill the vast bulk of your social time with the more meaningful one-on-one (or one-on-three) interaction you prefer? I love what you bring to groups – you put a lot on the table all the time, and it changes the social landscape in a good way when you’re part of a mob. OTOH, if you haven’t been feeling the social of parties lately, not going sounds like a good option. Beware of the black and white thinking though, is all I mean.
The rest of your bulletpoints sound like positive change – especially the things you’re doing to limit the superficial-type online interaction in favor of facetime and long well-thought-out posting; and not pushing those who seem annoyed at your insistence on one-on-one time- that sends a red flag to me, too. But I tend to let people drift away easily so my advice may be weak here :P
Long story short: these sound like they can lead to positive change. Please update and let us know how it’s going for you in a few weeks.
On a more self-centered topic: There’s a thing I’m trying to do lately that I think will help my similar problem– I’m trying to not schedule things anymore more than a week in advance. My hope is that this will allow spontaneous human interaction to take place: call someone up, get some food, hang out, make something. (As opposed to scheduling a meet-up three weeks in advance and when the day comes I may or may not be feeling up to it but hell we made plans and I *want* to interact with this person, so…) Sadly this won’t work so well when all the people I want to hang with are scheduled themselves weeks in advance, but I’m hoping that me being available more often will help :)
Your last paragraph…
It’ll work very well, only with those who are also reaching out for spontaneous interactions, as opposed to those who wait for it to fall into their lap.
unless I make the calls while they’re waiting for it (me) to fall into their laps. then it works for everyone including me.
:)
Social balance is a tricky beast, especially when one has a job, umpty-billion interests, a lot of people around that are lovely and fascinating, and need for time alone on top of it. I question the choices I make about my time very often, but, still, I feel these are the good sort of problems to have. Good luck!
You my friend hit exactly why I’m not a party person in the least. I cherish actual interactions, not drunken hillarity, no matter how fun that can be. It is nice for special occasions and what not, but besides that I just don’t get it you know?
It was great to experience your recent art alteration project, and I hope to see you again to chat more.
For my part, following my bliss (as in, connecting to what I want and need and pursuing it), had the rest fall into place. Not always gracefully, or as I’d expect. Though still leaving me with a previously missed sense of satisfaction.
Good luck!!
Just as a counterpoint, I had a really great time tonight at Nifer’s party (20+ people), and largely because I spent a solid 45 minutes sitting and talking with Reed. You can get one-on-one social time within a larger social context, it just takes some more effort.
I’m all for the less twittering more direct journalling/talking method, though.
I understand what you mean about Twitter and feeling too plugged in with not enough substance. In some cases it has been a great to become closer with people. Being constantly reminded that they are available has encouraged me to reach out to some of my closest friends whom I haven’t seen in months.
I see parties as a way of meeting new people and an opportunity to become closer to people you hardly know but definitely not a substitute for quality time with friends, as you point out. It’s a big reason why I hardly ever go to a large event.
I hope you find the balance you are seeking.
I can totally relate on the social interaction side. I’ve made similar pacts with myself before. Here are a few highlights that worked for me:
Doing is better than saying. Project or activity oriented interactions are hugely more fun and socially rewarding than partying or texting (so take the project to the party).
Do the things I like. Don’t do things because I “should”.
Make time to have interesting experiences on my own. It makes interactions with friends so much more interesting.
Accept that not every relationship is going to be deep and meaningful. There are friends that I totally connect with and can be around constantly. There are others whom, for one reason or another, I prefer to socialize with less often, at parties, or online. Most friends fall somewhere in between. I also realize that my friends have wide ranges of relationships, and we may or may not be in sync.
There is nothing as good as face-to-face interaction. Use all other tools to facilitate this.
Yes, projects are very fucking important. I’m trying my best to surround myself with things that engage me and my friends creatively.
The 4th bullet point is very true but hard to suck down.
Bit late to this LJ post, but I don’t follow LJ as closely these days. Anyways it got me thinking and my fingers seem to have written a decent amount…
Personally, I don’t have the same relationship with twitter as you. For me it’s added to my connection with others. Also, I drifted away from LJ because it seldom added anything to my connection with others except for making me more aware of people’s drama and negativity. Either that or LJ was just weekend update posts which better in tweet form. Granted there are lj posts such as yours here that are insightful and interesting, so I still glean through lj via rss.
I do agree with you about the limitations of social interactions at parties, but I always figure that parties and group events serve a different purpose. They are there in order to meet people and mix things up a little, so that you are not always just spending time with the same old crew. Scheduling smaller group activities is a great way to counteract the limited social interaction of large gatherings, and also to encourage deeper connections — it’s good to find a balance between the two rather than scrap one other the other.*
I prefer group events with an activity other than just drinking: game nights, group photo outings, art projects, dinner parties, performances, etc. They offer more stimulation and more to talk about. Also I think your limit of three people is rather limited and small. Sure three can be interesting but I’ve had great times with 5-6 at games nights and dinners.
In all this, time is the killer. All of us live in a rather large social circle — a circle which is probably broader than is humanly possible to maintain deep connections with.
I find that the people in my life can be categorized as follows:
(A) the people who are in sync with my social schedule.
(B) the people who are sorta in sync with my social schedule.
(C) the people who are not in sync with my social schedule.
The handful of people I am closest to, my chosen family, I make sure always get a spot in (A). Frankly, whether I like to admit it or not, after work and chores and self maintenance, I don’t have much more room to add people in (A). Sometimes people outside my chosen family grace this area for a period of time, and it is then that deeper connections usually happen.
Most of the time the people I know to float between (B) and (C). There is still a chance for deep connections to happen here and there in (B) but little room in (C). It’s always a balancing act trying to keep everyone I cherish and anyone new and interesting in (B). Sadly, there are a number of people I cherish that have fallen into the (C) for some time for whatever reason.
I find that Twitter (and LJ somewhat) helps with maintaining connections as people float between (B) and (C). Knowing a bit about their everyday lives cuts through the small stuff that has been happening making it easier to connect again with people you haven’t seen in a bit.
* p.s. I must say I’m a little biased on pushing you to come toe events as both Nifer and I feel that you and Qarly are one of our favorite people to invite. You two always bring some of the best and strangest party treats (Grapples!), plus even when you don’t bring anything physical your presence is always a positive note in any group setting.